Spank your arctic monkey

I have lost count of the number of people that has said to me things like, "The Arctic Monkeys are amazing, they have such a unique sound" Yeah, they have a point, the Arctic Monkeys do have a unique sound, my problems is that they don't have a unique song, every song sounds the same to me. That used to be a sign of getting old, when your ears can't tolerate the music of a new generation, when nightclubs and concerts become too loud and you start acting and dressing like your Dad, not anymore. Every single person i know that likes the Arctic Monkeys is over 30!!! For some reason having "When the sun goes down" on your ipod next to "Rio" by Durran Durran has become the musical equivalent of anti aging cream. Who are you trying to kid? It's a sad way of trying to cling on to a rapidly disappearing youth, it's just like when guys are going bald but still try to have a ponytail. It is a growing phenomenon, we no longer just have a mid-life crisis, now we also have a "i just entered my 30's" crisis. The Arctic Monkeys have become synonymous with 30 somethings trying to stay young.
Anyway that's just one reason why i cant stand the Arctic Monkeys, the other reasons are purely from a musical prospective.
My Reasons:

1. Everyone tells me i should like them, friends, the music press, television. For gods sake stop telling me what i should like.
2. Every song sounds the same, fast punk songs sung by a guy with a Yorkshire accent with lyrics that don't fit with the melody in a poor attempt to crowbar "Pulp" style story telling into the songs ( Did it never occur to them that storytelling and very fast music just don't go. Try it yourself get a karaoke machine and play American idiot by Green day but instead of singing the real lyrics, use the words from the opening chapter of Pride and prejudice. Hey maybe i should recorded that, post it on the Internet and in 6 months i might be hailed as the best thing since the Beatles).
3. They have the word monkeys in their name ( i hated the Monkees). Why is it that people think calling themselves monkeys make then seem like cheeky, street wise northern geezers.
4. They reference the band "The Police" in one of their songs in a lame attempt to try to associate themselves with a band consisting of talented musicians that could actually play diverse original sounding music in a variety of styles. I hate bands that try to show they are fans of other musicians in their lyrics.
5. They have the word Arctic in their name. I hate the arctic, it's cold and i don't like being cold plus arctic rolls are disgusting. I have a theory, maybe be they called themselves Arctic so that they sound like really, really northern geezers, you cant get more northern than the arctic.
6. They are crap ( OK not a very articulate and persuasive point but that's just how i feel)

Ok that's why i hate the Arctic Monkeys.

Listening to Coldplay is like trying to commit suicide by pouring hot wax into your ears

The first time i heard a Coldplay song way back in November 2000 whilst listening to the radio in my car. The song i heard that day was Trouble, sorry i mean trobowl (that's what i thought it was called at the time due to Chris Martins total inability to pronounce the word trouble). My initial impression of the song was "my god what a totally boring, miserable, moaning, vomit inducing excuse for a song, that band wont last long, not unless the nation wants to join in a mass suicide pact". How wrong was i? Apparently there is a market for dreary, bland, unimaginative music played by upperclass cockney wannabes. That's another thing, i thought Chris Martin was a cockney not a public school boy from Dorset. Next song i heard was Yellow, which to me sounded more or less like Trouble, by that i means that it gave me the same feelings of nausea and depression.
If someone had told me back in 2000 that i was listening to a band that would still be producing CD's and winning awards 8 years later i would have thought it was a sick joke. I am totally baffled as to why this band has enjoyed so much world wide success. Its not as if the songs are particularly catchy or memorable, the words aren't exactly thought provoking or poignant, the band are averagely competent musicians, Chris Martin has an irritatingly weak voice, so what's the appeal?
I think i could just about deal with Coldplay's success, even if they are a talentless bunch of toffs, however the fact that they believe there own hype is far too much for me to stomach. It has obviously gone to Chris Martins head, he has been blinded by celebrity madness and has adopted the ridiculous characteristics that have blighted so many famous people in the past.
1. Have a celebrity marriage ( increase your profile to the world. Famous couples seem to create far more interest than they ever did as individuals, thanks for nothing Hello magazine you freaks)
2. Have a celebrity child, call them something completely stupid.
3. Try to save the world, the best way to do this is to give over simplistic, patronising speeches at award ceremonies and to write MTF on the back of your hand (means - make trade fair but i prefer Martin talks from his arse, ok that spells MTFHA, but who cares).

Does anyone truly believe that if Chris Martin would name his child after a piece of fruit if he wasn't part of a celebrity couple? Maybe i am old fashioned but i never imagined a classroom register would ever sound like a recipe for fruit salad. Imagine the scene, morning registration at Apples school.

"Good morning children, please be quiet while i take the register". Apple Martin"?" yes miss", "Banana Gallagher?", "yes miss"," Grapefruit Cruise?".
So anyway that's why i hate Coldplay and particularly Chris Martin.